it seems that my whole existence is a contradiction. i want simplicity, peacefulness, and quiet; yet here i am wearing ACUs with US Army printed above my heart, sitting in iraq. definitely not the epidemy of what i want...i want honesty and conviction but everywhere i look it's false but covered ridiculously well. or maybe i am just gullible. i know the direction in which i need to be going, but it isn't possible for me to get to that path while i've got two more commited to this one. i'm not where i am suppose to be- some of us have to learn the hard way, this choice is the burden that hangs over me, every goddamn day. i make the best of what i can, it's the only way to get through hell. and, really, this is my version of hell. it was a good decision, but made for the wrong reasons. so, does that mean it was a bad decision? i don't regret it...it's just too much for me to take in. it's fucked me up enough, i've hit rock bottom, been medicated, and hushed. it can only go up from here, right? i'm hoping so. two more years. with a degree. home. i want home...this isn't for me. i've got my white flag, ready to surrender- but i can't give up.

no, i can't give up, but i can lose myself along the way...my priorities are in the wrong order.